The Meanest Father...

...  of all time is none other than Father Time.

Its been 2 months since Rit's passing.

Its been almost 3 years since my son's birth.

Its been nearly 5 years since I met the one I want to end up with.

So many important things have happened...  And I'm still just a speck.

Not even a speck.  I am simply me.

Me with how I want humanity to be... and thus live by myself.

But they are my own strict rules.  I can spite all I like...  But only I blindly follow.

Look around...  Do you see chivalry?

Look around...  Manners and principles are dying as well.

Time are changing... but time passes on.  Unknowing and Composed.

Look at yourself and the decisions you make.

And if you don't respect what you see...

Then I think its time for a change.

After all, in the end...  Time isn't going to care.

Time isn't going to stop.

And in the end...  All you'll be left with is yourself.

So I ask you this...

Do you see something that you can be proud of?

Or perhaps you'll simply turn a blind eye... just like the rest of humanity.

And my thoughts and wishes will simply be another drop in the sea of subconsciousness.

l4t3r~

What's Next?

I guess we just move on from trial to trial.  Perhaps thats just life.  Moving on from one instance to another.  I won't be religious, but everything is about balance.  No one seems to be happy with their life.  I'm not sure if this is just a humanitarian trait or if they still haven't found that proper balance.

Although there are few people that stand out in my eyes.  They are the few who have found satisfaction with what they have.  Generally, there is a balance between "work" and "living".  I mean, what good is "life" if you spend all of it building a foundation of money?  On the other hand, what good is "life" when there is no foundation at all?

That is why I need to send out props to Rit Flanagan.

Now THERE is a man who all he truly wanted was to have his family by his side.  He's lived a tough life... Tougher than most will ever know and he deserves to be recognized.  For now, he is preparing to "transcend this mortal plane and become a god," as I've heard that Flanagans do ^_^

But before he leaves us with only fond memories, I'd like to say this.

Rit is truly a man among men.  Worthy of praise and worthy of respect.  A true role model (debatable by his actions/undeniable by his morals) for generations to come.  And I sincerely hope that his memory will never fade for generations to come.

Donovan, you will be too young to remember him well...  But I hope Mommy and I can raise you to be just as upstanding as...

Rit

Brain-Release

We all have them.  I believe we all need them.  Sadly, it has been my personal experience that sharing too many secrets can rot a soul.  I guess we as humans require that foundation.  Consider, a person with nothing to hide is merely an open book.  Though that may bring dependability, there is no luster or excitement.  I'll say again, we've all got our own little secrets.  Its simply that those people I know who harbor no secrets at all are either absolutely wonderful (perfect in every way) or are completely miserable (which entails puh-reeeetty much everyone I know).  Maintain your secrets, and you'll have the allure of the forbidden fruit.  Flaunt your secrets, and you become nothing more than a tease.  Open up your secrets, and be prepared for a long and arduous path.  Although most seem to overlook the lessons learned and strengths gained for opening up to someone special...  I have not.  I maintain my deepest darkest secret... forever on the lookout for someone who will lend me not only their heart, soul, or ears... but their entire being and future.  I say future because well...  I have no friends.  Correction!  I have one.  But we're not friends.  He is my friend, and I am his acquaintance.  I never realized how important it was to build MANY friendships.  As you grow older, it becomes harder to relate I suppose.  But look at me now...  I have no friends...  I have the family that I made...  And I have only one secret left.  Maybe I'm so interested in people because people will have nothing to do with me.  I know no secrets owned by others.  Its really odd.  I hate people, yet I am infatuated with their attention.  Yes, I know I fit into "people" as well, but I never did say that I didn't hate myself.  But its very complicated now.  I hate people...  I hate myself...  I am infatuated with attention...  I accept me for me.  I may hate who I am and who I've been, but I know that everything happened and will continue to happen because I am me.  These were my memories and choices.  This is MY future.  I am proud of myself.  I have accepted that I may have low self esteem.  Yet I'm content with it.  Maybe its because I'm happy with the way it makes me look at others.  By hating myself, I can appreciate the world.  As I heard from a great movie once, "What if you could get just as much pleasure from the thorns?" (speaking about a rose).  Don't diss those that love pain.  Somewhere deep inside you is a piece of your heart that wants to feel alive as well...  a piece that wishes for a little pain and hurt.  Understand that some simply have bigger hearts than others.  Perhaps that is a lot of people's subconcious secret:  "To want to feel 'a-l-i-v-e'."  In any case, I am starting to believe more and more that our world is a true paradise.  Look at me how you will...  but its true.  Unnecessary hurt and suffering is only happening because someone truly wished for it deep down in their black soul.  We fall in love...  We take chances...  We are accepted...  We are rejected...  Everything is always handed to us on a silver platter.  The deciding factor is deep inside each and every human.  It does not matter what you think you want.  It comes down to what your heart desires.  Do you truly want money?  Then why are you always thinking about bills?  Do you truly want to be loved by him/her?  Then why are you putting yourself down?  You see, your heart desire is not something that you can't figure out.  Its really quite simple, its just more complex than thought, as it involves quite a few factors.  This may not be particularly true for you, but I will simplify this as best as I can.  Your heart's desire...  You're true "want"...  Is what you know you want or need (in this case I don't think it matters), measured against your doubt.  Examples:  I want to be loved by so many friends, yet I can't get over the fact that I am socially awkward and have pretty much no redeeming qualities about myself (please keep in mind that this is NOT actually feel, it is merely and example)...  The fact that the doubting of myself completely overshadows my will and desire to be surrounded by those who care and want to see me smile, I become even more socially awkward and shy.  Therefore leading to a downward spiral of lonliness.  Another example, I want to make a lot more money...  But I can't even keep up with the bills.  First off, WHAT THE FSCK DO THE BILLS HAVE TO DO WITH MAKING MORE MONEY?  If you want to make more money, then go out there and MAKE-MORE-MONEY.  Whining over the bills is only going to make you doubt your heart's desire (in this case it is drive).  If there is a higher cognicent power out there, then I ask you this:  Do you know why people can't have their "wishes" granted?  Its because a person's true desire would only hurt others.  It is inevitable that doubt will overshadow us all.  But together, we can truly make this world and humanity a better place and existence.  There is no way to eliminate that doubt.  But so long as our 'hopes' and 'dreams'...  our 'wants' and our 'needs'...  As long as everything good we think and feel can overshadow our doubt, as an entire existence labelled "man-kind", we can put on a brave face.  I know that it is asking a lot to change in each and every one of us for something as small as a little courage...  But a little courage is just a start.

If you really read all of this, then I truly applaude you.  If you just skipped down, then I'll give you the super short version here:

This whole thing was just ramblings in my head.  Its like a brainstorm.  Nothing is connected.  Nothing is related.  There is no moral to it.  There is no conclusion.  All I can remember now is that the message portrayed at the start and another at the end.  The first is to keep your secrets sacred to yourself...  You'll be better off with that.  The message at the end is to have a little courage, faith, and hope...  Just enough to overcome your doubt.  And together we can make this a better place.

Otherwise, if you just want to leave a comment, forget it.

I don't care anymore.

My Meebo Chat

Just thought I'd try this out.

Reading/Watching/Playing

At this point in time,
I am:

Reading:  Death Note
     Review - I am thoroughly amused.  Although at a major turning point in the story, I became hardpressed to keep reading.  However with my drive to completion, I trudge along.  I'm starting to find it difficult to follow the thought processes of the characters (a real shocker for me to admit), but the story is still progressing nicely.  I need to give props to the writer for the twists.  Death Note is definitely a manga that is difficult to predict.
     Opinion - I sometimes wish I had a Death Note.  For those of you not interested in reading or unfamiliar with the story, here's a spoiler free quick background.  Soul Reapers (Shinigami) write names in a "Death Note" that they carry.  The names of those people die.  One bored Reaper leaves a Death Note in the human world.  Now a human has it and passes judgement.  Okay...  I lied...  I wish a lot of the time that I had a Death Note.  To pass judgement...  I just feel the world could reach a much higher potential if a human could pass life/death judgement on other humans.  On the other hand, this power is best suited out of human control because humans are (in my opinion) disgusting and aweful.  Control through fear should never be tolerated.  In this day and age, nearly all humans fear the ultimate ending... death.

Watching:  Best Student Council
     Review - Its so cute and adorable... The theme song is anyway.  I can't say its the cutest anime out there, but there is definitely a hook that keeps me watching more and looking forward to it.  Its only in retrospect that I feel like I'm just using it to burn some time.
     Opinion - Charisma and charm are such strong traits.  I find it odd that these two traits could possibly be the most influential in large groups of people... yet we know so little of how they work.  Then again, if we did know how they work, then I suppose everyone would be charming and charismatic...  Which leads to the paradox that if everyone is equally special, then no one is.  It seems like a dream to have such an air about you...  An aura that can just open people right up to you.  A presence that simply takes people's breath away.

Playing:  Freesky Online
     Review - Relaxed, enjoyable, and very entertaining.  Oh and its completely free and web-based  ::gazes off into sunset::
     Opinion - WTF...  igg (makers of the game) need to seriously rethink some of these dead ends.  There are only so many space that you can move to, making it difficult to keep the entire alliance together.  I mean come on...  most of these players get tired of the waiting game after the first day and go inactive.  Furthermore, there is just WAY too many factors that rely on the alliance leader to stay active.  Once that one person is gone, the alliance pretty much comes to a standstill.  Ridiculous!  But why am I more addicted to this game than WOW?  I guess I like the idea of continual (offline) production.  Something about taking care of those hard earned cities (built from scratch) and letting them grow and produce while I sleep and do other things.  Man I love this game...  But oh how irritated I get at others.  Please keep in mind that even if it is just a game (whatever you play), you're choices reflect on your own character...  and some of the people deserve to get haxxed.

I'm tired...  peace~